Sometimes when you think you're angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem.
it helps to sit down and think about the problem.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wonderfully punny!!!
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
19. A backwards poet writes inverse.
20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.
26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
32. An actress who saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
19. A backwards poet writes inverse.
20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.
26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
32. An actress who saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
Scholarly discussion
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - then it is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying S.C.R.E.W.YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - then it is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying S.C.R.E.W.YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
It Can Happen
PHONE REPAIR:
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
Technical problems
THIS IS INDIA . IT'S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE
A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.
Courtesy of: Lisa M
Sunday, June 8, 2008
UPS Pilot Maintenance Gripe Sheet
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That' s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That' s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Grandma sleeps well
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep well at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you fall asleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep well at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you fall asleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
PARENT - Job Description
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the qualityof the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the qualityof the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Little Johnny!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy 's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy 's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Courtesy of: Uncle Don
Jane and Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Courtesy of: Lisa M
Playing Golf
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"
As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Two Storks
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Stars Hollow Gazette II
Season 1
Plot: Rory starts Chilton with Lorelai not waking up on time - and wearing cut off shorts with cowboy boots to meet the new headmaster. If that wasn't bad enough on it's own, Emily decided to be there since she & Richard are old friends of Hanlin Charleston.
Rory meets Paris - her new enemy. Paris instantly hates Rory because she's also a journalism major & will most likely be going out for the Franklin school paper. This is solidified further when Rory's locker gets jammed and when it finally opens she is flung backwards into Paris's history project - a full ceramic model of a castle with water in the moat - wrecking it completely. Rory informs the teacher that she was to blame for Paris not having her project but Paris refuses to allow Rory to help fix it by the next class.
This is also one of the clearest hints that Luke is totally in love with Lorelai. She tells him that a Chilton dad drove all the way to the Independence Inn to ask her out but that she turned him down. Luke verifies that she turned him down then says 'good!'. Then he tries to play it off that it would be ackward for Rory - though the veil is very thin and you see that glimpse of recognition in Lorelai's eyes.
You also first meet Babette as she has to call Lorelai about some men prowling around her house. She also informs her not to trust these guys cause they kicked one of her gnomes. Then states: 'Gnome kicking says a lot about a man's character'.
Lorelai then heads next door to her house where you first meet Kirk (named Mick in this episode since he wasn't set to be a regular in the series until this odd performance). He's there at Emily's request to install a DSL for Rory - but hit a snag when they couldn't find the ceramic frog with the key in it to open the house up. Lorelai kindly pushes him away since she prefers not to have her mother that involved in her life - nor does she want to live off the family money.
~
Lorelai then heads next door to her house where you first meet Kirk (named Mick in this episode since he wasn't set to be a regular in the series until this odd performance). He's there at Emily's request to install a DSL for Rory - but hit a snag when they couldn't find the ceramic frog with the key in it to open the house up. Lorelai kindly pushes him away since she prefers not to have her mother that involved in her life - nor does she want to live off the family money.
~
Funny Bits:
Miss Patty is seen teaching an etiquite class to some young girls as Lorelai is going to Luke's for coffee. She states: 'Now, walk smooth. That's the new Harry Potter on your heads. If they should drop, Harry will die, and there won't be anymore books.'
Great Dialogs:
Rory: I remember it being smaller...
Lorelai: Yeah! And less...
Rory: Off with their heads!
Lorelai: Yeah!
Rory: What are you looking at?
Lorelai: I'm just trying to see if there's a hunchback up in that bell tower...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sookie: They're smaller than the last batch.
Jackson: No, they're not.
Sookie: Smaller means watery. No good peach taste.
Jackson: No, there's plenty of peach taste... being as they're, you know, peaches.
Sookie: What about the ones on the bottom?
Jackson: Oh great. No. Be sure to check them all. That's it. Give every last one of them a nice, good squeeze. You wouldn't want to leave me one that I could actually sell to somebody else. Wait a minute, you missed one. Now I'm not going to tell you which one it is. I'm just going to let your impeccably good radar... There it is, you got it!
Lorelai: Okay! I look great, right?
Sookie: Yes.
Lorelai: Yes, see. This is how I was supposed to look this morning. Morning, Jackson.
Sookie: Oh, my god, today was Rory's first day.
Lorelai: Yes, and I was supposed to look together and fabulous. Not like I'd been up all night playing quarters.
Sookie: Nobody cares how you looked.
Lorelai: Everybody cared.
Sookie: Who?
Lorelai: The other moms, the headmaster. My mom, Luke, Miss Patty, the new fire chief with the tiny little head.
Sookie: Taste this.
Lorelai: Hmmm. A little watery.
Jackson: Oh - now you planned this!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Michele: There's a phone call for you. And if I'm to come and fetch you like a little dog, I want a cookie and a raise.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Old Ladies: There are supposed to be darling little shops all up and down this street. Oh, excuse me sir. Can you tell me where we can find the best antiques?
Michele: At your house, I'd guess.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Rory: One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird.
Lorelai: Weirder than other guys?
Rory: Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow! I can't believe they still say that.
Rory: Why? What does it mean?
Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Well, what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.
Rory: Wow, biblical insults. This is an advanced school.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Serving Lawyers
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Paying the Bill
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Stars Hollow Gazette I
Season One
Episode 1: Pilot
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Plot: You meet all of the players... Rory gets accepted into Chilton and is very excited about getting to go to private school now. Lorelai has to ask her parents for the money so that Rory doesn't loose her spot. When Rory decides she doesn't want to go (due to meeting Dean), the first mother daughter fight of the episode starts. The second is at the first Friday night dinner between Lorelai and Emily - during which Rory over hears everything and Richard has a nap at the dinner table.
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Funny bits:
First you meet Michel giving his less than cordial phone service to a guest trying to book a room for the weekend - while the Inn's completely booked. He offers to check again for a vacancy, places the phone down on the counter then picks it up after sorting the mail & states there are still no vacancies.
When you first meet Sookie, it's with a crash from the kitchen. She's instantly shown as very eccentric - not only with her cooking techniques but with her other oddities. Her kitchen staff are very well trained and the cooking you see them do shows that they are very well suited to prevent most of her disasters from coming to fruition. It's very much a ballet of cooking.
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Observations:
The set still hadn't been finalized so there were a few noticable variations. There's a step or two leading into the Gilmore's kitchen (and Rory's room) that is not present in later episodes. Also, the entrance to Luke's is not on a corner as in later episodes but instead on a flat storefront.
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Great Dialogs:
Lorelai: Please, Luke. Please, please, please...
Luke: How many cups have you had this morning?
Lorelai: None...
Luke: Plus?
Lorelai: Five - but yours are better!
Luke: You have a problem...
Lorelai: Yes, I do.
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Lorelai: Michel, the phone.
Michel: Uh huh, it rings.
Lorelai: Can you answer it?
Michel: No, people are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.
Lorelai: You know who's really nice to talk to? The people at the unemployment agency.
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Sookie: Where's your paté?
Lorelai: At Zsa Zsa Gabor's house...
Sookie: Right, I'm going to the store, because you have nothing. Do you feel like duck?
Lorelai: If it's made with chicken, absolutely!
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Lorelai: Hi dad.
Richard: What is it - Christmas already?
Emily: Lorelai was taking a business class at the college today and decided to drop in to see us.
Richard: What business class?
Emily: Well, she told us about it, dear. Remember?
Richard: No.
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Rory: You and Grandma seemed to have a nice talk.
Lorelai: How much did you hear?
Rory: Not much. You know, snippets.
Lorelai: Snippets?
Rory: Little snippets.
Lorelai: So basically everything?
Lorelai: So basically everything?
Rory: Basically, yes.
Lorelai: The best-laid plans...
Lorelai: The best-laid plans...
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Rory: So, how many meals is it going to take until we're off the hook?
Lorelai: I think the deli spread at my funeral with be the last one.
Lorelai: I think the deli spread at my funeral with be the last one.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,
"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,
"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
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