20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time someone asks you to do something, ask if they Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it “In".
5. Put Decaf in the Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks once everyone has gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field of All Your Checks, Write”For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because you’re not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile! It’s called ... therapy!

Courtesy of: Tracy Bolles

Seven kinds of sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex This kind of sex happens when you first meet someoneand you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex This is when you have been with your partner for ashort time and you are so needy you will have sexanywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex This is when you have been with your partner For along time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your own room.

4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex .This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In theafternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex .This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex .You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

Courtesy of: Lisa M.

Cats in baths...

"No, no, no, no.....NOOOO!!!!"

"I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

"Traction....I'm losing Traction!"

"No, I'm not your Good Little Kitty anymore."

"E.T. phone home......quick!"

"You SUCK!!!!!!"

"I don't think I like you anymore."

"You call this water warm???"

"You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay."

"But You Said You Loved Me!"

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Idiot Awards 2007

Number One Idiot of 2007:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2007:

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2007:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this, 'Put all your money in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2007: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ But you still get a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2007:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2007:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2007:

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight of 2007:

I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman, KS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Why Why Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Coutesy of: Mom

Letter of importance

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? FYI, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,Wendi Aarons Austin , TX

Coutesy of: Tracy Bolles

To My Smart Friends‏

Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! ---I am slimnig.

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Decoding

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish..................................49.

* Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

* Athletic................................No breasts.

* Average looking.....................Moooo.

* Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.

* Emotionally Secure..................On medication.

* Feminist..............................Fat.

* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.

* Friendship first............ ............Former Slut.

* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

* Old-fashioned.......................No B.J.'s

* Open-minded.........................Desperate.

* Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.

* Professional..........................Witch.

* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.

* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.

* Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes.....................................No

* No......................................Yes

* Maybe................................No

* We need...............................I want

* I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry

* We need to talk......................You're in trouble

* Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

* I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

* I am hungry...........................I am hungry

* I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy

* I am tired..............................I am tired

* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!

* I love you..............................Let's have sex now

* I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?.............I'd like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.

* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay

Courtesy of: David Hodges

A Proud Couple of Days at School

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy, " she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good", said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 25."

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Four Worms and A Lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister then asked the congregation: 'What can you learn from this demonstration?' Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

THE YEAR 1907

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1907 - One hundred and one years ago...
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907
************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist made $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian $1,500 per year.
And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.'
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Three Women in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

Courtesy of Uncle Don

January 1st, 2008

Well, it's officially a new year again. I've had lots of adventures and fun during the last year - mostly due to some really fun trips with Ian. We went to: Indianapolis, Deadwood and a nice week long trip to Dallas to see my family. It's certainly been great!

Mom's coming to visit at the end of the month for a few weeks. We'll be having Christmas with her then so that she may for once have a natural WHITE Christmas! It will be GREAT!! We've got a bit of $$$ set aside so that we can have some nice evenings out while she's here too.

This next year is going to be my year of accomplishment... What you may ask? Well, me too! I'm not quite sure yet - but I know that I want to plan out my days a bit better so that I can have a daily sense that I did something! I tend to veg out and not stay busy and then feel like crap upon reflection...

Oh well!! We are all our own worse enemies - right?!?

Donna

Getting Married

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing young Charles.

“So,” said that impressive personage, “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?“

"Not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

FW: Some Diet News with a Smile

 

 Diet Questions Answered

 
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
    life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
     it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
     eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
     longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
     your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take
     a nap.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
     vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
     cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So
     a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
     delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
     chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
     leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
     your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
    distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
    fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
    Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
     is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two
     to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
     regular exercise program? 
 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
     No Pain...Good!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these
     days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
     How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
     soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
    bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
    bigger stomach.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
    It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
    me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. 
 

And remember: 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
 intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
 preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
 Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
 thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
 HOO! What a Ride" 
 

AND......
 
 
  For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
 word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
 truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than Americans.
 
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
    fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than Americans.
 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
    sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
 

> CONCLUSION
 
 
    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
    apparently what kills you

Cabbie and Nun‏

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Courtesy of Debbie Cotham

Proud of Mommy

Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Courtesy of: Mom

7 Kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Courtesy of: Mom

Virus alert [SEC=UNCLASSIFIED]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.  This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.     This virus will wipe out your private life completely.  If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.  Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.   You should forward this warning to 5 friends!  If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 Courtesy of: Claire