Police Jokes

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.

He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Male Jokes

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir, what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

Laws for Parents

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Thought for the day...

Handle every situation like a dog....

If you can't Eat it or Screw it,

Piss on it and Walk Away!

NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION

Dan boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's yourbusiness role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the most stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman blushed "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :

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The Survey:

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior going on. He decided to send an angel to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. The angel returned and told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought a bit and said, "Maybe I had better get a second opinion. So God called another angel to send to Earth for a time, too. The second angel reported, "Yes, the inhabitants on Earth are in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being honest, and true, and noble." Not pleased,God decided to e-mail the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, to give them something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said ?





You didn't get one either, huh?