Disturbed People Day‏ III

Courtesy of: Dyan

Disturbed People Day‏ II

Courtesy of: Dyan

Disturbed People Day‏ I

Courtesy of: Dyan

Who Ate The Porridge?

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!!'

Courtesy of: Dad Hewitt

The Bailout Mascot‏

Courtesy of: Mom

Signs of the Times

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.
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Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
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Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
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Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
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Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
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My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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Welcome to Utah, set your watch back 20 years.
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In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory...
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The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.
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I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
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I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
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KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
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I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
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Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
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In Memorium: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
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Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
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When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".
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Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
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I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
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Red meat is not bad for you... Fuzzy green meat is bad for you...
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I am having an out-of-money experience.
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
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Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
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Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
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I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana...

Courtesy of: Mom

Murder at Walmart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor......... the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
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(You're going to hate me for this ...)
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'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Courtesy of: Lillian

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know.

FYI: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!!

Courtesy of: Mom

Giant Catierpillar found in Australia‏

Wow, I think this caterpillar must weigh around 600#s !!!

Courtesy of: Mom

$100.00

A Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those buttholes took $95.00 in taxes
Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"If you're going to be able to look back on something and

laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now."

*Marie Osmond

Simple Inspirations

"If you know you are going to fail,

then fail gloriously."

-Cate Blanchett

Simple Inspirations

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself,

instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

*Judy Garland