The Blonde & the Barking Dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says

"the dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Courtesy of: Lillian

Dallas Cowboys

* The Highway Patrol Officers are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas .
For the first offense, they give you two Dallas Cowboys tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys.

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Tiny Fawn

This tiny deer was delivered by Caesarean section at a wildlife hospital after his mother was killed by a car. Little Rupert, who is so small he can fit in an adult's hand, was born after vets failed in their battle to save his mother. At just six inches tall and weighing just over a pound, he is now in an incubator in the intensive care unit at Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire.

Asleep: Rupert takes 40 winks

Tucked up: Rupert in an incubator

Dear deer: Rupert pulls a striking pose for the camera

Courtesy of: Lisa M

Thanksgiving divorce‏

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"

Courtesy of: Lillian

Coffee in your eye

A blonde says to a brunette,

''Excuse me, but each time I

sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should

take the spoon out of the cup.''

Most Wanted

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these

are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

A little boy says: "He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

The officer says "Yes."

The little boy asks "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Cool Pics

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

For a giggle II

Mexican McDonalds

Redneck Condos

Barbie-Q

Courtesy of: Lillian

For a giggle

Grandpa's GPS System

Redneck Houseboat

Courtesy of: Lillian

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday, Aimee!!!

Hope it's a magical day!!!!

We'll have to take you out for some sushi to celebrate!

Love you!!!!!!!!!!!

Snoring Problems

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were ..... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.'
Courtesy of: Mom

Running to the Bank

A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"

Another Tech call

Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Why men shouldn't own action figures‏

Courtesy of: Lilian

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because his coop was in foreclosure and it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. Every chicken in this country deserves the chance to cross the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asked, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighed in frustration 'You're very tight lipped, and I admireyou for that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walked back to his pew, and his friend Franco slid over and whispered, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Courtesy of: Lillian

Arthritis Causes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Mean pit bull

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."

Aerial Photos

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

The 3rd Grade

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here; I should be in the third grade!'
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.
Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied.
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.
'Pockets!' said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

Newspaper Headlines with Double Meanings...

March Planned For Next August

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Brother naming babies

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

A blind man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

get me out of HERE!

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad: For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

Playing With Your Food II

Courtesy of: Dad Hewitt

The Interview

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

Playing With Your Food I

Courtesy of: Dad Hewitt