Great Sayings

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others

cannot keep it from themselves.

*J.M. Barrie

Great Sayings

The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

*Albert Einstein

Fishing

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school

studying about Noah's ark.

On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you

think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy.

"He only had two worms".

Bob's Funeral

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday...

Courtesy of: Dad

Animal Lover Pictures Part III

Work load

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

Animal Lover Pictures Part II

Redneck Seafood Dinner

Courtesy of: Lillian

Dictionary of dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBERA condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Animal Lover Pictures Part I

When someone steals your Kodak moment...‏

Courtesy of: Lillian

Things You Would Never Hear a Southerner Say...

- I thought Graceland was tacky.

- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

- Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

- Wrasslin's fake.

- "Alex, I'll take Shakespeare for 1000."

- Duct tape won't fix that.

- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

- We don't keep firearms in this house.

- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

- You can't feed that to the dog.

- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

- We're vegetarians.

- Do you think my hair is too big?

- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

- I've got it all on a floppy disk.

- Unsweetened tea tastes better.

- My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

- Elvis who?

- Would you like you fish poached or broiled?

- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

- Who's Richard Petty?

- Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

- Deer heads detract from the decor.

- Spitting is such a nasty habit.

- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

- Trim the fat off that steak.

- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

- The tires on that truck are too big.

- I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.

- I don't have a favorite college team.

- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

- Checkmate.

- She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

- Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

- I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

- Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When....

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
• Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You're up to four heart attacks a day.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
• You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!

Southern Commandments

1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.

2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.

3. Y'all shalt not sass ya' mama.

4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.

5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.

6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.

7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.

8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.

9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.

10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.

Blondes on Top

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Great Comebacks

• How about never? Is never good for you?
• You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• His teeth are brighter than he is.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.
D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
Officer: Yes sir, we do.
D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes sir, I do.
D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes sir.
D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Tough Job

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Translation and Advertising

- Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

- The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

- An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

- Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

- Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

- The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

- When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids Part II

Courtesy of: Mom