State Police Remarks:

The following 15 New Jersey State Police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the state.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

# 9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

# 8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

# 7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy & corn dogs & step in monkey poop."

# 6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets & my wife gets a toaster oven."

# 5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

# 4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

# 3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

# 2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS....

# 1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Involuntary Muscle Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary MuscularContractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

Very Interesting information about the 1500's

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't Throw The Baby Out With The Bath Water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old...

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and they would all sit around and 'chew the fat'...

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

In England when coffins were reused and they would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

>Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose...Yoda

>"All truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident."- Schopenhauer

>"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." -Buddha

New T Shirt

OK, where can I order mine??

I'm dying to wear one to Walgreens.

This shirt should be a hoot at the post office also.

I'll bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with a great list of fun places to wear this shirt and stir up all kinds of hate and discontent.

K-Mart, Walmart, Target, KFC, & McDonald's all just came to mind.

Gee , it's exciting when I get inspired.

Don't just sit there, jump in and be politically "incorrect" with me!

Bad Doctor!!!

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
" Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients
and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, Dave ."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave ...
Dave ...
Dave .....

You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard".

Love To All Ladies

Children grow up.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.

BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins and extended family all bless our life. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.

IS THAT A RECORD?

12:00 AM CDT on Friday, June 15, 2007

Adam Lundgren of Missoula, Mont., was cited for drunken driving twice in the same day Monday, by the same officer, and jailed after authorities said he showed up drunk for his arraignment.

Associated Press

Something missed? Our soldiers torturing Iraqi children

Armed American Troops Force Iraqi's to Seesaw Until They Talk!

Iraqi Child Bites GI In Self Defense After Obvious Torture!
GI Falls Asleep On Duty While Using Iraqi Child As Body Armor!
GI Overheard to say "Talk or I'll tickle you till you pee!"
More Evidence Of Failed US Intelligence Policy.
Soldier Attempts to Eat Iraqi Child!
Clear Evidence of Forced Labor by Troops!
Iraqi's Grateful That American Forces Did Not Open Fire During Soccer Game!
Soldier Caught At "Tickle-Torture" To Extract Intelligence!

GI Forces Iraqi Child To Hang By Fingertips!
No comment here. There's nothing funny about this one.

White Trash Hurricane Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser...........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check

Next time let's all be more prepared.

Happy Halloween!

Restroom Decor

Clearly designed by a man...

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--

Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves

and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,

ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind

to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches

cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--

The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and

goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant

and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--

they all are the pits

They want the impossible--

Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--

No request for them,

They want computers and robots...

they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...

dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys

and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job

there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass

and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year

now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde.

I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

Latest Technology for Men

The gift every woman wants -

CALVIN AND THE SNOWMEN

2006 Women Driver of the Year Awards

Sixth Place:

Fifth Place:

Fourth Place:

Bronze Medalist:

Silver Medalist:

And the Grand Prize winner is.......

IN CASE YOU CAN'T TELL SHE HAS IT ON BACKWARDS.

A Wish for All of the Difficult People in Your Life...

I LOVE YOU....

A girl and guy were speeding
over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No it's not. Please it's too scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl hugs him

Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself?

It's bugging me.

(In the paper the next day):

A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure.
Two people were on it, but only 1 had survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road,

the guy realized that his brakes broke,

but he didn't want to let the girl know.

Instead, he had her say she loved him

and felt her hug one last time,

then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live

even though it meant that he would certainly die.

THANKSGIVING

Happy Thanksgiving

Divorcing after 45 years An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares."

>

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,

MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.

MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,

MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,

MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

A Code For Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Birthday

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot

his wife's birthday.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better

be something in the driveway for me that

goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package

in the driveway. She opened it and

found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been

set for Saturday.

Indian Names

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Rubber Made in China?"

Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer

(From email)...

Hope you don't mind a bit of risque,

which I rarely send along!

If you should find it too offensive, please advise,

and I will remove your name promptly from these type of emails!

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY...DANG!!...