Little Johnny!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy 's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Courtesy of: Lisa M

Playing Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"

Two Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"

Stars Hollow Gazette II

Gilmore Girls

Season 1

Episode 2: The Lorelai's First Day at Chilton

Plot: Rory starts Chilton with Lorelai not waking up on time - and wearing cut off shorts with cowboy boots to meet the new headmaster. If that wasn't bad enough on it's own, Emily decided to be there since she & Richard are old friends of Hanlin Charleston.

Rory meets Paris - her new enemy. Paris instantly hates Rory because she's also a journalism major & will most likely be going out for the Franklin school paper. This is solidified further when Rory's locker gets jammed and when it finally opens she is flung backwards into Paris's history project - a full ceramic model of a castle with water in the moat - wrecking it completely. Rory informs the teacher that she was to blame for Paris not having her project but Paris refuses to allow Rory to help fix it by the next class.

This is also one of the clearest hints that Luke is totally in love with Lorelai. She tells him that a Chilton dad drove all the way to the Independence Inn to ask her out but that she turned him down. Luke verifies that she turned him down then says 'good!'. Then he tries to play it off that it would be ackward for Rory - though the veil is very thin and you see that glimpse of recognition in Lorelai's eyes.

You also first meet Babette as she has to call Lorelai about some men prowling around her house. She also informs her not to trust these guys cause they kicked one of her gnomes. Then states: 'Gnome kicking says a lot about a man's character'.
Lorelai then heads next door to her house where you first meet Kirk (named Mick in this episode since he wasn't set to be a regular in the series until this odd performance). He's there at Emily's request to install a DSL for Rory - but hit a snag when they couldn't find the ceramic frog with the key in it to open the house up. Lorelai kindly pushes him away since she prefers not to have her mother that involved in her life - nor does she want to live off the family money.
~

Funny Bits:

Miss Patty is seen teaching an etiquite class to some young girls as Lorelai is going to Luke's for coffee. She states: 'Now, walk smooth. That's the new Harry Potter on your heads. If they should drop, Harry will die, and there won't be anymore books.'

Great Dialogs:

Rory: I remember it being smaller...

Lorelai: Yeah! And less...

Rory: Off with their heads!

Lorelai: Yeah!

Rory: What are you looking at?

Lorelai: I'm just trying to see if there's a hunchback up in that bell tower...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sookie: They're smaller than the last batch.

Jackson: No, they're not.

Sookie: Smaller means watery. No good peach taste.

Jackson: No, there's plenty of peach taste... being as they're, you know, peaches.

Sookie: What about the ones on the bottom?

Jackson: Oh great. No. Be sure to check them all. That's it. Give every last one of them a nice, good squeeze. You wouldn't want to leave me one that I could actually sell to somebody else. Wait a minute, you missed one. Now I'm not going to tell you which one it is. I'm just going to let your impeccably good radar... There it is, you got it!

Lorelai: Okay! I look great, right?

Sookie: Yes.

Lorelai: Yes, see. This is how I was supposed to look this morning. Morning, Jackson.

Sookie: Oh, my god, today was Rory's first day.

Lorelai: Yes, and I was supposed to look together and fabulous. Not like I'd been up all night playing quarters.

Sookie: Nobody cares how you looked.

Lorelai: Everybody cared.

Sookie: Who?

Lorelai: The other moms, the headmaster. My mom, Luke, Miss Patty, the new fire chief with the tiny little head.

Sookie: Taste this.

Lorelai: Hmmm. A little watery.

Jackson: Oh - now you planned this!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Michele: There's a phone call for you. And if I'm to come and fetch you like a little dog, I want a cookie and a raise.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Old Ladies: There are supposed to be darling little shops all up and down this street. Oh, excuse me sir. Can you tell me where we can find the best antiques?

Michele: At your house, I'd guess.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Rory: One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird.

Lorelai: Weirder than other guys?

Rory: Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.

Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow! I can't believe they still say that.

Rory: Why? What does it mean?

Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.

Rory: You're kidding.

Lorelai: No.

Rory: Well, what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?

Lorelai: Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.

Rory: Wow, biblical insults. This is an advanced school.

Funny Clip - Click here

Serving Lawyers

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

Paying the Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Stars Hollow Gazette I

Gilmore Girls

Season One

Episode 1: Pilot

>

Plot: You meet all of the players... Rory gets accepted into Chilton and is very excited about getting to go to private school now. Lorelai has to ask her parents for the money so that Rory doesn't loose her spot. When Rory decides she doesn't want to go (due to meeting Dean), the first mother daughter fight of the episode starts. The second is at the first Friday night dinner between Lorelai and Emily - during which Rory over hears everything and Richard has a nap at the dinner table.
>

Funny bits:

First you meet Michel giving his less than cordial phone service to a guest trying to book a room for the weekend - while the Inn's completely booked. He offers to check again for a vacancy, places the phone down on the counter then picks it up after sorting the mail & states there are still no vacancies.

When you first meet Sookie, it's with a crash from the kitchen. She's instantly shown as very eccentric - not only with her cooking techniques but with her other oddities. Her kitchen staff are very well trained and the cooking you see them do shows that they are very well suited to prevent most of her disasters from coming to fruition. It's very much a ballet of cooking.

>

Observations:

The set still hadn't been finalized so there were a few noticable variations. There's a step or two leading into the Gilmore's kitchen (and Rory's room) that is not present in later episodes. Also, the entrance to Luke's is not on a corner as in later episodes but instead on a flat storefront.

>

Great Dialogs:

Lorelai: Please, Luke. Please, please, please...

Luke: How many cups have you had this morning?

Lorelai: None...

Luke: Plus?

Lorelai: Five - but yours are better!

Luke: You have a problem...

Lorelai: Yes, I do.

>

Lorelai: Michel, the phone.

Michel: Uh huh, it rings.

Lorelai: Can you answer it?

Michel: No, people are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.

Lorelai: You know who's really nice to talk to? The people at the unemployment agency.

>

Sookie: Where's your paté?

Lorelai: At Zsa Zsa Gabor's house...

Sookie: Right, I'm going to the store, because you have nothing. Do you feel like duck?

Lorelai: If it's made with chicken, absolutely!

>

Lorelai: Hi dad.

Richard: What is it - Christmas already?

Emily: Lorelai was taking a business class at the college today and decided to drop in to see us.

Richard: What business class?

Emily: Well, she told us about it, dear. Remember?

Richard: No.

>

Rory: You and Grandma seemed to have a nice talk.

Lorelai: How much did you hear?

Rory: Not much. You know, snippets.

Lorelai: Snippets?

Rory: Little snippets.
Lorelai: So basically everything?

Rory: Basically, yes.
Lorelai: The best-laid plans...

>

Rory: So, how many meals is it going to take until we're off the hook?
Lorelai: I think the deli spread at my funeral with be the last one.

Funny Clip - Click here

Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,

"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"

To make you smile...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Headaches...

Courtesy of: Lisa M.

Mathmatics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Amazing Nature Photos

Courtesy of: Uncle Don