Your Smile for Today

'Aggghhhh! Someone dial 911, I'm being mauled by a troll!'

'Uh, cat? What cat?'
There's no explaining Love.
Peace

'Hi! Will you be my friends?!'

Mad Skills.....

The good thing about working here - If you need assistance smiling, there's always help!

Par-tay, Par-tay, Par-tay!

'Harlem Globetrotters here I come'

'Ahhh, the fresh, relaxing aroma of feet.......'

How to tell when its time to make your kids sleep in their own bed....

'I swear a Big Doberman busted in and just tore the place up....'

Life is short!

Break the rules!

Forgive quickly!

Kiss slowly!

Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..

And never regret anything that made you smile.

Courtesy of: Mom

The Simple Life Part I

Courtesy of: Lillian

Older Kids

The Four Stages of Life

Courtesy of: Mom

Frog Noise, PLEASE!

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."
The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

Contact Lens

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Patience

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

Courtesy of: Lisa M

Putting the Cat Out

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Battleship

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead

on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply.

“Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship!

I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply.

“I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Divorce Letters

Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut; I had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Youʼre cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was stillon them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto forten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But then I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyersaid that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!

Courtesy of: Lilllian

Who's in Charge

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Sleeping Troubles

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping

and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend

three hours trying to find it."

Dog & Cat Diaries

The Dog's diary:
7 a.m. - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 a.m. - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 a.m. - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 p.m. - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 p.m. - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 p.m. - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 p.m. - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 p.m. - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 p.m. - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 p.m. - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 p.m. - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

The Cat's Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Even better, pillows!

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant because it speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It's only a matter of time.

Courtesy of: Lisa M.

Army of the Lord

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher

was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Words of Wisdom

- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Dog Named Mace

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

Courtesy of: D&R

Three Mice

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.

The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar".

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "D-Con Rat Poison".

The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave.

The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?”

"Time to go home and chase the cat”

Phrases of Wisdom...

- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to me!!

A Boy, A Man & A Donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame

the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,

'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were

stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying

how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right,

so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal

and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

Courtesy of: D&R

Priest & Nun

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down.

They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed."

Nun: "I think that would be okay."

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."

Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."

Painting the Living Room

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living

room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on.

He asks her why she has her coats on.

She replies, "I read the can,

and it said for best results put on two coats."

The Understanding Father

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex.
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

Last Rites

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil!

Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading,

I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Bank Customer Service

I'm not saying that the customer

service in my bank is bad,

but when I went in the other day

and asked the clerk to check my balance

she leaned over and pushed me.

The River

A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor!

"If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river."

With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,

I’d throw it all into the river."

And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,

I’d throw it all into the river, too!"

As he took his chair, the song leader stood

and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn,

let us sing number 365:"

"Shall We Gather at the River."

Five Minute Management Lesson: #6

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and

fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by

and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,

he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy,

and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under

the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:(1) Not everyone who poops on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep doo-doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Courtesy of: Jennifer P.

Five Minute Management Lesson: #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,”

sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”

“Well, why don't you nibble on some

of my droppings?” replied the bull.

“They're packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him

enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung,

he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was

proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer,

who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Courtesy of: Jennifer P.

Five Minute Management Lesson: #4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,

'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Courtesy of: Jennifer P.

Five Minute Management Lesson: #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Puff! She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.”

Puff! He's gone.

“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Courtesy of: Jennifer P.