Decoding

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish..................................49.

* Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

* Athletic................................No breasts.

* Average looking.....................Moooo.

* Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.

* Emotionally Secure..................On medication.

* Feminist..............................Fat.

* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.

* Friendship first............ ............Former Slut.

* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

* Old-fashioned.......................No B.J.'s

* Open-minded.........................Desperate.

* Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.

* Professional..........................Witch.

* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.

* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.

* Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes.....................................No

* No......................................Yes

* Maybe................................No

* We need...............................I want

* I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry

* We need to talk......................You're in trouble

* Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

* I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

* I am hungry...........................I am hungry

* I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy

* I am tired..............................I am tired

* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!

* I love you..............................Let's have sex now

* I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?.............I'd like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.

* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay

Courtesy of: David Hodges

A Proud Couple of Days at School

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy, " she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good", said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 25."

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Four Worms and A Lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister then asked the congregation: 'What can you learn from this demonstration?' Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

THE YEAR 1907

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1907 - One hundred and one years ago...
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907
************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist made $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian $1,500 per year.
And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.'
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Three Women in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

Courtesy of Uncle Don

January 1st, 2008

Well, it's officially a new year again. I've had lots of adventures and fun during the last year - mostly due to some really fun trips with Ian. We went to: Indianapolis, Deadwood and a nice week long trip to Dallas to see my family. It's certainly been great!

Mom's coming to visit at the end of the month for a few weeks. We'll be having Christmas with her then so that she may for once have a natural WHITE Christmas! It will be GREAT!! We've got a bit of $$$ set aside so that we can have some nice evenings out while she's here too.

This next year is going to be my year of accomplishment... What you may ask? Well, me too! I'm not quite sure yet - but I know that I want to plan out my days a bit better so that I can have a daily sense that I did something! I tend to veg out and not stay busy and then feel like crap upon reflection...

Oh well!! We are all our own worse enemies - right?!?

Donna

Getting Married

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing young Charles.

“So,” said that impressive personage, “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?“

"Not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”