A 78-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harold, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harold replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harold's wife. "Winona," he says, "Harold is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" Winona exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!"
Courtesy of: Dad
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Horth Whithperer
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize
him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the
midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith
lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little
fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see
her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrathe
that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
Courtesy of: Dad
over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize
him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the
midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith
lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little
fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see
her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrathe
that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
Courtesy of: Dad
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Signs...
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Courtesy of: Dad
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Dark in here...
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks it happens again, the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove..'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door .
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'
Courtesy of: Mom
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks it happens again, the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove..'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door .
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'
Courtesy of: Mom
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Traffic Cameras
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.
He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Men . . . .
Courtesy of: Lillian
He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Men . . . .
Courtesy of: Lillian
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Rules for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, spring onto the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on TOP of the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with kisses and you will probably get a treat.
SURPRISE:
When a human appears to be engrossed in something on the computer, spring onto the back of their chair. Pretend to be confused by their scream of terror. Feign exhaustion and go to sleep.
BATHING:
Should you see a human sitting in a bubble bath, accidently fall in, then use the human as a sort of "tree" to climb out of the tub. Humans are likely to attend to drying you before applying band-aids to their punctures. This develops their character.
NORMAN BATES:
If a human makes eye contact with you, look straight at them, then tilt your head and peer BEHIND them, widening your eyes. Especially effective late at night in a quiet house when you are alone with a human. The results can be quite satisfying for you. Humans need to remain alert.
TERRITORY:
When lying under a human's bed, attack anything that comes within 1/10 inch of your invisible perimeter of bed territory, taking special care to inflict as much pain as possible to unshod feet.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present them with your other end. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
Courtesy of: Mom
Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, spring onto the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on TOP of the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with kisses and you will probably get a treat.
SURPRISE:
When a human appears to be engrossed in something on the computer, spring onto the back of their chair. Pretend to be confused by their scream of terror. Feign exhaustion and go to sleep.
BATHING:
Should you see a human sitting in a bubble bath, accidently fall in, then use the human as a sort of "tree" to climb out of the tub. Humans are likely to attend to drying you before applying band-aids to their punctures. This develops their character.
NORMAN BATES:
If a human makes eye contact with you, look straight at them, then tilt your head and peer BEHIND them, widening your eyes. Especially effective late at night in a quiet house when you are alone with a human. The results can be quite satisfying for you. Humans need to remain alert.
TERRITORY:
When lying under a human's bed, attack anything that comes within 1/10 inch of your invisible perimeter of bed territory, taking special care to inflict as much pain as possible to unshod feet.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present them with your other end. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
Courtesy of: Mom
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Riddle of the Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below!
(this is pretty good )
***************************
The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
Courtesy of: Lillian
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below!
(this is pretty good )
***************************
The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
Courtesy of: Lillian
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Crusty Old Biker
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Courtesy of: David Hodges
As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Courtesy of: David Hodges
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