Why can't I get a job? Part II

Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
-J.K. Rowling

Why can't I get a job? Part I

Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"A word to the wise ain't necessary.

It's the stupid ones who need the advice."

-Bill Cosby

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
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My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the heck he is.
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I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me..
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I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
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I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
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Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
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I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
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If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
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I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
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We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
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Courtesy of: Mom

Simple Inspirations

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life;

it goes on."

-Robert Frost

Morning Knock‏

At 3 A.M. a couple awakens to a knock on the door.
The man gets up and sees a stranger asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” yells the husband. “It’s 3 o’clock in the morning!”
With that, he returns to the bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife. “Some guy asking for a push. I told him to get lost.”
“What?” she asks. “Don’t you remember the time our car broke down and that guy helped us?
You should help him.”
The man guiltily returns to the door, calling out, “Hello, do you still need a push?”
“Yes, please!” comes the answer.
“Where are you?”
“Over here on the swing.”

Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage:

the wife is in charge."

-Bill Cosby

Thunder

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry.

It's not thunder. It's Elvis beatin' the shit out of

Micheal Jackson for marrying his daughter.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working."

-Pablo Picasso

Shopping for Men

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.
Second floor the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor the sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.

If you concentrate on what you don't have,

you will never, ever have enough."

-Oprah Winfrey

Change

The only permanent thing in

this world is Change.

Learning to welcome change,

and to even embrace the chaos

and uncertainly that come with it,

creates opportunity and possibility

rather than resistance and despair.

When change is inevitable, flow with it.

Allow yourself to be changed and moved.

This keeps you sane and healthy.

Courtesy of: Mom

BELLY BUTTON

Be thankful it wasn't your son who came home with this one...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Handy Tip

Lose something down the bathroom sink?

Can't afford a plumber and don't want to disassemble the pipes??

Check this out: www.familyhack.com/2007/08/29/drain-tip

Courtesy of: Mom

Speeding excuse...

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman

who talked herself out of a speeding ticket

by telling the young officer that she had to get there

before she forgot where she was going?

Courtesy of: Lillian

Eco Vacations

Thought this was interesting...
The Benefits:
*Harmony with the planet. You'll be performing essential work such as coral reef restoration (yes, you can likely squeeze in time for a margarita at the end of the day).
*More cash for cassette tapes. Volunteer vacations are often less expensive than vacations at the usual tourist haunts.
*New waves of skills. Learn how to monitor dolphin migration patterns, farm organically, or restore trails - sometimes stuff you can put to use when you get back home.

Earthwatch Expeditions - work with researchers studying topics such as Kenyan elephant behavior and climate change's effect on the Arctic ($2,350 and up, not including airfare).
Oceanic Society Expeditions and Reef Check EcoExpeditions - scuba dive, snorkel, or boat your way to monitor underwater life in oceans across the globe ($999 and up, not including airfare).
American Hiking Society - spend a week building and maintaining trails across the United States ($275, not including airfare).
Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms - more than 1,000 organic farmers offer you food and accommodations, in exchange for your work on their organic farm.
GAP Adventures, Sustainable Travel International, and Travelocity Travel for Good - search for volunteer vacations; tons of options.
The 100 Best Vacations to Enrich Your Life - great book intro to "experiential" travel and volunteer vacations ($14).

Camping Trip

Ralph was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Ralph left to go back home to his wife.
When Ralph's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Ralph sitting in front of his Fatboy, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Ralph?"
"I didn't have to" was Ralph's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.' So tah dah, here I am!"
Courtesy of: Lillian

God and Lawncare

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST.. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay mor! e money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:> After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:> They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Courtesy of: Mom

And that's how the fight started‏

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!' And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust". And that's how the fight started.....
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started.....
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.... *********************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.....
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started......
Courtesy of: Mom

Kids are quick...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ...

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

Courtesy of: Mom

Plastic Surgery

A sexually active widow tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?", she demanded.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Courtesy of: Lillian

Swollen Knees?‏

Courtesy of: Mom

Mother-In-Law

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.

I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

Courtesy of: Lillian

Duct tape use #317‏

Courtesy of: Lillian

Military Joke

A Lieutenant, a Major, and a Colonel were dining with the General in his quarters one evening. The conversation turned to sex and the Lieutenant stated that making love to your wife is 10% work and 90% fun.

The Major disagreed and stated that he believed making love to your wife is 40% work and 60% fun.

The Colonel then stated that they were both wrong and that the ratio is 80% work and 20% fun.

They decided to put the matter to a young Sergeant. "Well, Sir," he began, "I think you are all dead wrong. It must be 100% fun."

"Why do you say that?", asked the General.

"Because," answered the young sergeant, "if it involved any work at all, you'd assign an enlisted person to do it for you."

Courtesy of: Lillian

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Courtesy of: Mom

Very Short story‏

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, BITCH!

Man rounds next curve.

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Why Men Should Never Be Allowed To Order The Wedding Cake‏

Courtesy of: Lillian

Kitchen Wisdom

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Courtesy of: Mom

Older Women are so Resonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.
Courtesy of: Lillian