Five Minute Management Lesson: #2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized.

“Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Courtesy of: Jennifer P

Five Minute Management Lesson: #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,

when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

”Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Courtesy of: Jennifer P.

The Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever w ear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Courtesy of: Mom

Beer Brothers

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Painted floor & Ceiling

And in the smoker's lounge...

Courtesy of: Lisa M

You want me to do WHAT??????????

Even Man's best friend has his limits!!!

Courtesy of: Dad Hewitt

Shut Up & Trouble

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path.

Trouble got lost.

So, Shut Up went to the police officer.

The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"

"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

Immigrant

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!'

The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East, I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'

Courtesy of: Aimee

Growing Old

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!

Drive Fast

Did you hear about the 83

year old woman who talked herself

out of a speeding ticket by telling

the young officer that she had

to get there before she

forgot where she was going?

Doctor Visits

“Doc!” the man yells.

"I’ve lost my memory!”

“Calm down, sir. When did this happen?”

The man looked at him.

“When did what happen?”

The Egg Business

Homer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called "pullets," and 10 roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Homer's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To Homer's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Homer was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly, old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

Courtesy of: Uncle Don

Holy PC Battle

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, Iwill judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES

Courtesy of: Mom