Frosty's Beginning...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Holiday Bad Attitude‏

Once again I was disqualified from the neighborhood 'Best Decorated House' contest...

apparently for my bad attitude!!

Courtesy of: Lillian

How Pumpkin Pies are Made‏

Courtesy of: Lillian

Happy Halloween!

Courtesy of: Mom

Poof!

A 78-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harold, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harold replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harold's wife. "Winona," he says, "Harold is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" Winona exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!"

Courtesy of: Dad

Two of the greatest qualities in life are...

Patience and Wisdom

Courtesy of: Dad

The Horth Whithperer‏

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize
him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the
midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith
lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little
fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see
her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrathe
that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

Courtesy of: Dad

Signs...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Courtesy of: Dad

Dark in here...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks it happens again, the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove..'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door .

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

Courtesy of: Mom

Traffic Cameras

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.
He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Men . . . .

Courtesy of: Lillian

Senior's Biker Bar...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Senior's Biker Bar...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Rules for Cats to Live By

BATHROOMS:

Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.



DOORS:

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.



CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.



HAMPERING:

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"



1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.



2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.



3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.



4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, spring onto the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.



5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.



WALKING:

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.



BEDTIME:

Always sleep on TOP of the human at night so he/she cannot move around.



LITTER BOX:

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.



HIDING:

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with kisses and you will probably get a treat.



SURPRISE:

When a human appears to be engrossed in something on the computer, spring onto the back of their chair. Pretend to be confused by their scream of terror. Feign exhaustion and go to sleep.



BATHING:

Should you see a human sitting in a bubble bath, accidently fall in, then use the human as a sort of "tree" to climb out of the tub. Humans are likely to attend to drying you before applying band-aids to their punctures. This develops their character.



NORMAN BATES:

If a human makes eye contact with you, look straight at them, then tilt your head and peer BEHIND them, widening your eyes. Especially effective late at night in a quiet house when you are alone with a human. The results can be quite satisfying for you. Humans need to remain alert.



TERRITORY:

When lying under a human's bed, attack anything that comes within 1/10 inch of your invisible perimeter of bed territory, taking special care to inflict as much pain as possible to unshod feet.



ONE LAST THOUGHT:

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present them with your other end. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.

Courtesy of: Mom

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below!

(this is pretty good )



***************************


The answer is: 'A Last Name.'

Courtesy of: Lillian

The Crusty Old Biker

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,

"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Courtesy of: David Hodges

Blonde password‏

During a recent password audit, it was found that

a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said she had

been told that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Courtesy of: Lillian

How to call the police when you're old and don't move fast anymore...

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up tobed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed... Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, twoFire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Cut no more trees!!

We have to stop cutting down trees. This is getting serious...

Courtesy of: Lillian

Maxine...

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Wise words...

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Gotta love kids...

Courtesy of: Dad Hewitt

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) there are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Courtesy of: Lillian

How to Lick a Bowl‏

Courtesy of: Lillian

Hundreds Gather to Protest Global Warming

Courtesy of: Angela

WHY MY WIFE WON'T TAKE ME SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like

most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are documented by ourvideo surveillance
cameras.





1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Courtesy of: Lillian

Two Old Gals

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude:
What in the heck is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms..

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Courtesy of: Debbie Cotham

Friend Jokes

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
________________________________________________________________________
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Courtesy of: Lillian

Blonde Humor

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away. Florida or the moon?

The other blonde turns and says, "Hellooooo, can you see Florida???"

DISNEYLAND OR BUST

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.

They started crying and turned around and went home.

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.... "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!" says the doctor.... "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

Well, no, she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

I thought so, the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway..

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO! the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, A BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs after watches?"

"HELLOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Courtesy of: Lillian

Beware of Identity Theft this Easter!‏

Courtesy of: Aunt Irene

Happy Easter

Happy Easter

Courtesy: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting

for the steak to cook."

-Julia Child