Snow

Courtesy of: Aunt Irene

Christmas Stamps

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, " Oh good grief, has it really come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Courtesy of: Lillian

Beware of Identity Theft

Courtesy of: Dad

Can't Fix Stupid! Part II

What goes around comes around...

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Now, that's just MEAN!

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I would have guessed around 20...
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What are the odds of that?
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Please, anyone, if you've seen this man...
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Courtesy of: Dad

Can't Fix Stupid! Part I

This one says it all...

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'We had no idea anyone was buried there.' ??? I didn't know we could choose.
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I'm saying GREAT paint job.
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Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.
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Did we elect these people??
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Courtesy of: Dad

Tips for the home

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Cheese - Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers - Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Ground Beef - Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
Scrambled eggs/omelets - To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
Brownies - For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Garlic - Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Snickers - Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm!
Reheat Pizza - Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Easy Deviled Eggs - Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Expanding Frosting - When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
Reheating refrigerated bread - To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper weeds away - Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
No More Mosquitoes - Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Squirrel Away! - To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
Flexible vacuum - To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Reducing Static Cling - Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... ta da! ... static is gone.
Measuring Cups - Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Foggy Windshield? - Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car . When the window s fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Reopening envelope - If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
Conditioner - Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair. Courtesy of: Mom

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG???

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was recently asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.

'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Courtesy of: Dad

To Be A Walmart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,

a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,

an unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,

'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins.. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Courtesy of: Renee'

Something to Brighten Your Day Part III

Courtesy of: Mom

Redneck Fire Alarm

For those of you that want to continue to be fire safety conscious...

even in these economically challenged times, here is the solution.

Just install one of these over your kitchen cabinets.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!

Courtesy of: Lillian

Something to Brighten Your Day Part II

Courtesy of: Mom

BBQ Rules

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probablybecause there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine... (1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is about ready. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN WHO HOLDS THE PLATTER.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Courtesy of: Lillian

Something to Brighten Your Day Part I

Courtesy of: Mom

Mosquito Tip

I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well.. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it.....Pass it on.

OUR FRIEND'S COMMENTS: I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors.
It works - in fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it
cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not
as expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes.
So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood
door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window
frames, and even inside the dog house.

Courtesy of: Mom

Why can't I get a job? Part V

Courtesy of: Lillian

Simple Inspirations

"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there."
—Will Rogers

Why can't I get a job? Part IV

Courtesy of: Lillian