FW: Some Diet News with a Smile

 

 Diet Questions Answered

 
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
    life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
     it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
     eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
     longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
     your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take
     a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
     vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
     cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So
     a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
     delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
     chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
     leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
     your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
    distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
    fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
    Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
     is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two
     to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
     regular exercise program? 
 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
     No Pain...Good!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these
     days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
     How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
     soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
    bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
    bigger stomach.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
    It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
    me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. 
 

And remember: 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
 intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
 preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
 Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
 thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
 HOO! What a Ride" 
 

AND......
 
 
  For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
 word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
 truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than Americans.
 
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
    fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than Americans.
 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
    sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
 

> CONCLUSION
 
 
    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
    apparently what kills you

Cabbie and Nun‏

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Courtesy of Debbie Cotham